The Five Levels of Deep Habit And Behavior Change

 We develop patterns, which we call habits.

They're like being bundled up in warm blankets with soft pillows on a cold morning; comforting, supportive, relaxing. Who would want to willingly change that? Continuing the metaphor, it can feel like moving to a sleeping bed on a hard floor, no air mattress, and the heater isn't working.

Since we are in a period of paradigm-shifting, life-altering, stress-inducing, overwhelming change, I thought it might be helpful to understand why it's so difficult to get new habits to stick.

Firstly, remind thyself that all change is spawned of fear, force, or pain.

No one wakes up thinking, "I love my life! Let me see how I can change it." We change because we see no alternative and because the "old system" wasn't cutting it anymore. Maybe times are different. Maybe we're different. But something must adjust, and sadly it's us. Being inspired to change by "negative" feelings also automatically puts us at a disadvantage as we're not thinking clearly to begin with.

To that end, know that there are actually five levels we must tweak, each deeper than the one prior if we're going to make our sleeping bag become a cushy, fluffy bed.

The simplest, easiest adjustment is Environment; defined as that which "I see."

Let's say you've decided to be socially responsible and be concerned with the greater good by wearing a facemask. However, each time you leave the house, you forget your mask. An example of Environment change could be relocating your mask to a hook by the front door. Now, it will prompt you to wear it. Simple. Easy.

But it might not stay with you if you don't change the next level: Behaviors, that which "I do." If I don't modify those, my Environment reverts to unsupportive.

Continuing with our illustration, upon returning home, you remove your mask and put it in the washing machine. That makes sense, but that behavior means that when you leave, Environment is no longer provoking you to wear a mask. Consequently, a Behavior change must take place, such as obtaining a few masks and placing them all at the front door, plus remembering to hang cleaned masks there when you finish the laundry. This alleviates the difficulty of "forgetting" to wear one.

"But, I can't keep remembering to put masks all around my house," you might reply. Welcome to level three: Capabilities, that which you "can" or "cannot" do.

Your perceived - and that's the operative word - Capabilities determine which Behaviors will stick or fade.

If your internal dialog is, "I don't have time to do this," or "I have too much else to do," you'll give up new Behaviors, putting you back to square one.

Capabilities are born of Beliefs, level four. Beliefs, despite appearing as facts to us, are really not.

They are feelings. They are not true for all but are to us. Continuing in our mask saga, if my Belief is that "masks are unnecessary and a pain in the behind" (um, poor choice of body parts for masks but you get my drift... ), then you will consider it unimportant and pointless to amend your Capabilities to reinforce that you can indeed managing a couple masks. Resultingly, new Behaviors fade, Environment becomes unsupportive, old habits returns. If my Belief changes to "I feel it's important to wear a mask, no matter how awkward," Capabilities shift, producing a positive domino effect.

With only a few hundred words, I can't really delve deep into the concept of Beliefs, as there are so many extenuating conditions that affect them. \

However, the Universal Truth they have in common is that they are the outgrowth of the deepest level, Identity, those words following "I am... "

We possess multiple Identities in which we adorn ourselves, depending on conditions. For example, my Identity of "Romantic" is certainly welcome and appropriate when it's my wife, yet would be out of line with my co-worker. Identities, like outfits, adjust to the settings in which we find ourselves. Rounding out the now over worn mask tale, if my Identity is "I am too busy to deal with this," my Belief might be "this is ridiculous;" yet again collapse the dominos. Should I alter my Identity to "I am socially responsible and concerned about spreading the virus," then Beliefs correct to "I feel it's important to figure out a way to do this." My Capabilities will now line up that empowerment. Behaviors adapt. Environment adjusts. New habit locks in.

Whether talking about pandemics, weight loss, productivity, or personal relationships, the pattern remains the same.

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When Will I Learn From My Mistakes

"I never learn from my mistakes." A sad truth that this article will explain why we continually make the same mistakes again and again.

We actually do learn from our mistakes, but we learn bad habits. In every event, we are accumulating knowledge of a process; action, reaction and a result. This is exactly the same thing that we have been doing since we where born. An action leads to a reaction which leads to a result and the whole process gets stored in memory. When a similar action happens again, we automatically search our memory for an appropriate reaction that we think we should have, based on a previous event. This will produce a result and that result will be stored in memory.

The problem is that all we are doing is accumulating information as to if something happens, how did I react and what was the result. It does not teach us how to react to get a different result.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

If I ask you how much is 2 plus 2, you do not go through the mechanical process of counting one and one and one and one and get four. No, you think very quickly 2 plus 2 is 4, because you already know that answer. This is a very useful ability to save time and is good in many situations, but not in finding Love and learning from past relationship mistakes.

In order to find that perfect relationship that will last without fights and pain, we must learn the reason why we make these mistakes.

Our problem lies in desire. We desire certain things, which means we require a certain outcome to all situations. It is extremely rare for us to meet a new person and be completely open to it turning out how it will, how destiny or circumstance will determine, rather than how you want it to be.

In our relationships, we often have arguments and get angry with another person because even though Jack told Jill his situation, Jill did not want to hear it because it did not fit in with her desires. This is the cause of most conflicts, most fights, most disagreements.

You where given information either verbally or subtly, with hints that your intuition was capable of interpreting and preparing for if you were in a completely objective state and listening to what the other person was really trying to say. But you did not hear it because it did not fit with your plans. Often a person cannot properly formulate or verbalize their thoughts, but if you are attentive and open enough, you can see what they are trying to express. Sometimes they just do not have the courage to say it.

This applies very well to new relationships when fear of being alone enters. How many characteristics do we close our eyes to when meeting a new person because we want the relationship to work out for any number of reasons.

If you close your eyes and go into a room, you have no right to curse the furniture when you stub your toe. Even moving the furniture around is no help because the next time you enter the room, if you still close your eyes, you will hit the furniture again. The fault is not in the furniture, the room or the lack of light, these are all parts of the mind.

We repeat our mistakes and never learn because we do not know the correct way to react to a situation. Every situation is different. It would be impossible for anyone to learn the right reaction to every possible event. If anyone gives you a guide or list of; 'if this happens, then do that', is preparing you for disaster.

What if it is a bomb disposal instruction said; "cut the blue wire before the red", but the guy who made the bomb mixed up the wires?

Rather, the solution lies in developing a completely objective mind that is open without placing its desires in your own thoughts so loudly that it drowns out common sense and to your ability to interpret the clear signs.

Once you have developed the ability to be objective and allow all things to happen freely, you will not need to control things, or to try and alter things to your desires. You will have developed an ability to be prepared for all events before they happen because, along with being objective, that ability brings flexibility and adaptability so you will be able to adapt to all situations with complete equanimity.

You will no longer need to force things against their nature, because that is only a temporary change. Eventually nature will take its own course, and that is the moment that it slaps you in the face.

In this way you will be able to adapt to all situations, prepare in advance for most difficulties and events and you will be right in the perfect spot to gain the most benefit and live with the most ease through all situations and, finally, you will have learnt from your mistakes. Not the event, but the manner of dealing with the events in your own mind.

EXERCISE

To become objective you must realize and accept how very subjective you are, then change it. The solution to every problem can be found in accepting the objective reality of the situation. That is all. Once you have that, you will have attained equanimity and can be the master of your own heart and mind which means, you will no longer have fear of opening your heart and feeling the love we all desire.

Stop putting your desires, ideas and concepts on other people. Listen to them instead.

After decades of helping people resolve their relationship issues, both in current and past relationships, and helping people find that new and lasting love, David Samuel is now available to world, on line, to share his wisdom and experiences https://relationshipcoachonline.com/


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